Reality Check

Looking back at my blog posts, I realize I never address what I actually think of living here. Most of that is by design, I know. Even though I examine my life-situation in extreme detail in my own mind, I generally don't want to write about it here.  Reason number one being that I don't want to bore anyone with the absolute dullness of grocery shopping and Chewie walking (both of which happen every day) And reason number two is that (positive and negative) navel-gazing, at length, is super annoying to read - especially for someone lucky enough to live as an ex-pat in London. However, I recognize the need for me to get real -- really tell everyone how I feel. 'Cause, to be completely honest, there are moments of pure joy for this city, my life... But more of the time, it's lonely and alienating.

Coming through customs on the way home from Houston, I forgot to list my occupation. The customs agent asked what I was doing in the UK. I replied that my husband is working here, but I'm unemployed. He then joked, "Ah, a lady of leisure." Even though I was screaming in my head, I smiled along with him. What can you do? After learning my lesson, this last time from MN through customs, I actually listed "Housewife" under job title. Perhaps it was the extremely uncomfortable plane ride home that made me succumb and write it or I just didn't want to talk about it again... I don't know. And this is not to put down any other housewives (mind you, I don't even have children-- just a dog), but there is just something ridiculous about seeing that attached to ME. Sometimes I want to walk up to anyone on the street and yell: I was responsible for more than myself for many years!! I actually had an office of my own, once!!

I have tried to find a job here. The market is extremely tough but, I'm not exactly pounding the pavement and the fact that I haven't had success is all on me. I've sent out probably 20 applications/resumes or CVs to different positions all over London. Most often, I never even receive a response, although once I was lucky enough to be selected out of 400 CVs for an interview. I thought the interview went well but I wasn't selected to move on. In retrospect, I think I had more enthusiasm than they were comfortable with (to make a sweeping generalization: I think I was too American...)

All this is to say, being a housewife is totally foreign to me and I'm not dealing with it very well. I'm lucky that I don't need to have a job, but it would be nice to have money of my own again.  Then I could shop without feeling guilty or having to justify the expense. Or, then perhaps we would travel more. And then maybe I would socialize with people other than Gavin and his friends. I hinge a lot upon the idea of having a job. I think I read too many blogs of ex-pats who travel constantly, have solid networks of friends, experience all kinds of fun things around town - even at night during the work week! It all makes me extremely jealous.

See?!? As I read this now, it's completely ungrateful of me to belittle all that I have and where I live! But still, I'll never rid of the nagging feeling (apart from obsessing over money) that if I could work, I wouldn't feel so lonely. Most of my loneliness is due to Gavin's constant work-life. It's unusual for me to only have one person to rely on to fulfill my social needs and I struggle to fit in with his career. It, seriously, is what he lives for. He's working ten-hour days and is tired by the end of it; he's not interested in doing much more than eating dinner and watching a bit of TV (or playing video games) when he's at home, whether at night or on the weekends. I mean, I get that feeling of just wanting to shut down after you've been dragged 50 directions all day and all week. And, its not all bad. We do enjoy local restaurants, movies and pubs - I just have to manage my expectations a bit. I need to accept that having dinner in east London or jetting off to different destinations on the weekends isn't going to happen.

It comes down to this: there is so much to do while we are here, I don't want to look back at this entire experience with regrets. I want to see all I can in London, travel to mainland Europe -  really make the most of our time in this part of the world. But I have to temper all those dreams with the reality of our financial situation and Gavin's career.

So now you know what I think about on those days that I get up, watch the morning news, surf the web, walk Chewie, shop for groceries, make dinner and enjoy a few evening hours with Gavin. Humph. I realize now that I really have rotten timing for this post... especially since I've been fortunate enough to travel to the States three times in the last three months AND my in-laws are coming tomorrow for two weeks, in which we will all embark on a Scottish holiday for a portion of their visit. At least I can say that I'm finally being honest, I guess.